The psychoanalysis and other assorted tales of my life

I had dream #5 a few days ago..

I showed up to where my bridesmaids were getting ready and I realized I was completely naked and was going to make everyone late. To top it off - my dress wasn't there.

We're exactly one month away from the beginning of the festivities, and my brain has been on super overdrive lately. I've taken to reading some fiction before I go to bed to help calm the brainwaves down a bit and to focus on something other than the wedding.

As I was going to bed last night, Sparky asked me what I was reading. I explained the whole think to him (and instantly regretted it), and he immediately piped up about the wedding and asked me about our officiant and that we need to think through our ceremony.

ARRRGH! Yes, yes I know - but WHY NOW?! I read 5 more pages then I turn off the light.

I had what felt like another dream within a dream sequence. Now that I've got my real dress hanging in the closet, the dreams have progressed to the actual day of & ceremony (this is probably thanks to Sparky). The dress I'm wearing still isn't quite right but at this point, I seem to be stressing more about the details of the party. Instead of "assorted cakes", there was a real wedding cake. I didn't print out the menus, and our ceremony consisted of "Yep, I do.. kiss.. clap.. drink." No rings, no nothing. Just.. I do. The second ceremony went better than the first, but neither where what I had planned.

I woke up emotionally exhausted. How many times am I going to get married before I actually get married?

Remarkably, it's been a long time since I had a dream about the wedding. But why are these dreams always about the dress?!

I had a rare 'dream within a dream' sequence this morning. Everyone was arriving, and my sister finally showed up with the dress. It was blue with dots, and there was lots of pink ribbons and detailing on it. WTF? I freaked out and said it had a bit more pink on it for my taste, and realized that I must have been dreaming this up as my sister would never do this to me.

Fast forward to what seemed like reality, my sister arrived with my dress except this time it was orange and forest green. This is when I began my major tirade "How could you do this to me - no where in the wedding is there orange and green!!" to which she replied "yes there is - our bridesmaid dresses are green" (truth). I continued to lash out, told her to not show up at the wedding and that I hated her.

This was in my inbox this morning...

Hi Everyone,

I will be working from work today!  Feel free to call me at my desk at any time.

Wow. Really?!

Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I just don't understand!!!!

I'm tempted to call this person at their desk just to say hello.

Sitting at my desk.... waiting. Is it over yet? Am I safe? 2 co-workers got papers... will I?

I sure did pick a great week to take a vacation! I missed caring about the stock market plunges, in fact - I refused to listen to updates, but sadly am all caught up now.

Our vacation with the lovely Teasdale's has been nothing short of  f a b u l o u  s ...  amazing food, awesome adventures, great photography, and even some snow!

No matter how this week went down - what will remain in my memory is that this was the week I learned that I'll become an Auntie in 9 short months! yippieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

In related health news.....

I don't really want to go back to commit to memory the various sounds an MRI machine makes while testing -- but the one song that I made up while lying in the tube goes like.. mississippi-sippi... mississippi-sippi... and in the background there is an oompah oompah click click beat.

There was one particular test when I had to try really hard and restrain myself from laughing out loud as the beat was just too much!  It was super funkadelic!

It would be an awesome project for a musically-inclined person to write music to the beats of an MRI machine - perhaps listening to that wouldn't be as terrifying as the real thing.
 

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you’ve read or heard something and it completely changed how you think about yourself or the world?

Of all the noise I’ve been reading over the past few months - there have been only a few signals which seared themselves into my brain.

One.

I was invited to a “feeding” (a happy hour) at FriendFeed, and was finally able to attend as previous invites conflicted with my triathlon training schedule. I decided to do a bit of research on some of the obvious people who would be there, namely all the employees! So I searched on a few individuals, and found Paul Buchheit’s blog who happens to be one of their founders. I began reading some of his posts and thought, wow.. way insightful, very technical, and a very smart individual. But it was his December 9th, 2007 blog post entitled “Is there more to life than money?” that has been stuck on replay in my head.

    “Instead of throwing away your "working hours", why not make every minute count?
    Why not find work that you can actually enjoy, work that's fun and meaningful?

    Of course that's easier said than done, but it's not impossible.”

Tears started streaming down my face and I cried silently while I read this (was at work at the time), as I have been trying to find just that - for so many years! YEARS! I have spent many hours, dollars, and conversations with kind strangers figuring out what I think will make me happy from a career perspective -- and since then many hours trying to find a way to do it. Hell, I don’t even know if what I think will make me happy will actually bring me happiness - but I just can’t give up on it until I know for sure. What I do know is that I’ve been unhappy in my job for quite some time.

Reading the rest of his blog I realized that Paul has found something that isn’t “work” for him - and I just sat there wondering how I could do the same. By tomorrow.

Two.

In social settings where I don’t know a lot of the people, I tend to gravitate towards individuals who have children as I like kids, I know that most parents enjoy talking about their kids, kids aren’t that technical, and though having none of my own, I feel like I know enough about kids to talk about them for a long time (and enjoy it!). So at the “feeding”, I talked to Paul’s wife, April for a bit.

When a FF post that linked to April’s blog about her baby going home from the hospital, I was excited to see photos and read more about it! I hadn’t encountered April’s blog before - so I spent some time reading through older posts. It’s mostly a photo / video blog about April’s adorable little girl, Camilla. It was when I got to her “mommy and me” slide show did I lose it at my desk (luckily, I was working from home that day!). Tears again started streaming down my face. You might say “the force is strong within me” to have children.

After reading the entire blog, I was just in awe - of Paul & April as a couple, and of Camilla and Thomas, who went through so much to start their lives in our big world. I have fears that I won’t be great enough - that my life won’t look like what I saw on the screen - but I do aspire to be a great mom like April, and seeing her photos and videos inspire me.

Three.

I had started watching “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch awhile ago - but for whatever reason I never got beyond the first 10 minutes. It wasn’t until this past Friday did the stars align for me to watch the entire lecture. Randy, 47, passed on this past Friday from complications due to pancreatic cancer. I found myself home early that day, so I decided to watch “The Last Lecture” again. I finished the video this morning, and it left me wanting to know more about him.

I learned from a friend that he had a blog, so I went to go find it. The blog detailed his medical journey to the end - but along the way were additional photos and videos not found in the lecture. It wasn’t until I got to his Carnegie Mellon 2008 graduation charge video did I lose it - it was the moment when he picked up his wife and carried her “off stage” that made the tears stream down my face (hooray for being home alone! Nothing like explaining to your significant other why you’re bawling your eyes out while watching YouTube.).

Pondering Randy’s lecture, I kept thinking about my childhood dreams, and it took me awhile to recognize what those were/are. On the surface, it feels like I was a simple minded child - but really, all I wanted was a family of my own - a loving husband, a few kids, a dog, and a successful career.

I realized that these aren’t my childhood dreams anymore - but instead are my adulthood dreams. There are many days, especially in the past few weeks where I’ve felt that achieving my dreams is next to near impossible.

    “Brick walls let us show our dedication. They are there for the people who really don’t want to achieve their childhood dreams”.

That quote is one of the lessons I took from Randy’s lecture to heart. And on those days when I feel I can’t possibly hit that brick wall again, I have to remember to keep going because life is short and unpredictable. I don’t want to “spend my life beating the grim reaper” - I want to spend it “living well”.

I realize now that a lot of my tears come from spending so much time hitting those brick walls and temporarily giving up on my dreams. Low on energy, lost on knowing how to scale the wall differently, I often find myself depressed that I’ll ever crash through.

After thinking about Paul, April, and Randy, I see that it’s not impossible - there are real people who’ve done what I dream of doing - and while I often feel I can’t make things happen fast enough, I realize the brick wall is there for a reason.

I do recognize that part of my dreams have come true - though not yet officially married, I’ve found the man who I’ll call my husband soon, and he’s shown me that he won’t let me give up on my dreams - and wants them for me too (well, maybe not the dog).


*****

It's been 6 un-official years of working at the big Y today. (They don't count the 8 months I worked as a contractor, but they count to me!)

I started thinking about how I've spent the past 6 years -- after putting it all down, I feel a little exhausted! Is this normal??

Bosses ............. 11
Cubicles ........... 11
Jobs ................ 5
Departments ..... 1
Y! Products ...... 27
Re-orgs ........... Lost count 3 years ago

Edit (Sept, 08) -- make that 12 bosses, and 12 cubicles. Got kicked out of my last cubicle so my new boss could sit there.

Over the past few weeks I've had some really bizarre dreams, including my first wedding dream! (which can only mean there are hundreds more to come as we've not even set a date yet!)

One morning, I was conscious enough to hear the time read out on NPR, it was 20 til 8, or 7:40. I must have immediately fallen back into a REM sleep state (which some theories suggest this means I am narcoleptic) as I proceeded to have a very detailed and bizarre dream. The details of the dream are moot - but I distinctly remember there were 3 segments: the high school reunion, walking down my old street after the party waiting for our ride, and the aliens disguised as humans on their hovercraft's coming to pick me and my date up (apparently, I was one of them?) and them shooting him in the arm (sedation?) with something that looked like norplant. Yeah, I could go on with the details... but that's another entry!

I woke up at 8:23 right out of this dream -- realizing I had dozed off and was now running late. I was stunned to realize only 43 minutes had passed!

My dream seemed so long and complex - did I spend 10 minutes at the party, 10 minutes walking down memory lane, and 10 minutes defending my true identity? I'm curious to know how my brain spent those 43 minutes, and how I came to have such a complex dream in that short amount of time.

A friend of mine suggests that perhaps the details of how we get from point A to point B are skipped.

I'm very curious as this has occurred not once, but twice now - where in the span of 40 minutes, I can have what seems like a lengthy, complex and emotional dream.

Do we dream in hyper speed?

All of the research I did on dreaming while I was in college taught me the origins of dreams, dream interpretation theories - but no researcher discussed the patterns of dreams and how fast or slow these "movies" in my head really are. Conceptually it seems impossible to measure - or is it? If you can teach someone to recall their dreams as a form of therapy, could you teach someone to hold a stopwatch and click it each time the scene changes in a dream?

How is it that exactly a week ago I raced in a triathlon, but in 2 minutes or less I can get my ass kicked at Wii boxing?! WTF?!

My arm is actually feeling a little fatigued right now...

This is the non friends-only post about my race! If you want the gory (and I mean gory) details, you will have to email me, or friend me on LJ.

I had a blast - and look forward to my next race, whenever and whatever that may be!

Here is what 4 months of working out did for me:

swim: 00:50:19
T1: 00:06:28
bike 01:45:24
T2: 00:03:33
run: 01:10:05
total: 03:55:50

Wooohoo! I made it! Well, almost! 6 more days until the race, I'm ready and excited.

Last week I didn't do very much - but for what I did, i worked my ass off. I stuck to spin class on Tues & Thurs with 15 minute runs after the class. Our instructor worked us hard based on how my calves felt for the next 3 days.

I had meant to go swimming this weekend, but ended up having too much work to do in the garden. I worked hard yesterday, and man.. I feel it today! The summer garden is in finally, and we rigged up a temporary sprinkler system for the lawn!

My goal for this week is to not injure myself, swim once or twice, and stay really hydrated!

Ahh.... I can almost taste it, 2 more weeks to go! I'm still really excited, but part of me is also ready for it to be over with as training for this has taken up so much of my life! (I've got a wedding to plan and a garden to tend to, my house is a disaster, and we need to finish the entry way!).

Here is what I accomplished this past week. These next 2 weeks I'm supposed to taper a bit.. though I feel like I am doing that already.

Monday: rest day.
Tuesday: 8am spin class
Wednesday: ended up working late....missed my workout. Grrrr
Thursday: 8am spin class followed by a run up the nearby hill and back.
Friday: rest day
Saturday: 10k run to the top of Lexington Reservoir in 59 minutes!

I love how every new manager that comes aboard our team takes one look around and thinks to him/herself...

"Wow.. morale is pretty bad here. Oh, I know! Let's have a happy hour, that'll cheer everyone up!"

and sure enough, s/he throws a few happy hours in the first few weeks of employment. The funny part is, they fail to realize that within a short amount time, they'll become part of the problem. Eventually they will stop throwing happy hours, become despondent and quit.

The sad part is, I’ve stuck around long enough to realize this trend, and even longer to the point where I don’t even get out of my cube to get a free beer anymore.

Man..I'm tired!

Monday: Rest Day... spent a lot of money again at Sports Basement. I need to wear this wet suit 4 more times to have it pay for itself.
Tuesday: 8am spin class... she worked us.
Wednesday: 3.5 mile run outside of work, 36 min. Peeeeew that stinks out there! Went back inside for some core strengthening.
Thursday: 8am spin class.. I struggled with having energy this morning.
Friday: hello sunshine! I made it a rest day
Saturday: 10k run up to the top of Lexington Reservoir and back with the S.O. in 1h6m not bad for it being 80 something! I took 2 tums before my run and didn't have any issues with my chest. Though I got a nice fat blister on the bottom of my foot! Oops.. wore the wrong socks & tied my new yanks (no more tying your shoes) a little bit too tight. Overall, a good run.. coulda been better though. I spent the rest of the day pulling weeds, yard work & making the most out of our super trash day.
Sunday: does gardening all day count? I was sweating profusely, but doubt my heart rate was very high the entire day. Summer garden 90% complete!

What a weekend! I had a blast with my friends camping this weekend. As I theorized - so long as there were large hunks of red meat, alcohol, and bacon, they'd be happy and nothing could go wrong.

I am a little bummed that I couldn't stand drinking even 1 beer after Saturday's adventure.. In my "erin goes dry" plan, I had really counted on getting that fuzzy yummy feeling back on my b-day adventure. But in better news, the acid reflux induced by exercise is nearly all gone... 3 days later. I'm really looking forward to having beer on May 7th! (3 days post race)

I learned a lot this weekend... probably very boring to anyone else, but it really helps me.

1. Gu goes in the tri suit horizontal, not vertical. The later allows them to fall out!
2. After 2 Gatorade's, I should drink some water. Drinking 100% Gatorade probably doesn't help my acid reflux.
3. I need to get my bike tuned up before race day - I kept dropping the chain while trying to go between rings. Bad. Very bad!
4. No matter where I position my bike shoes, I will cut the circulation off in my toes. I've accepted it for now. Who needs to feel their toes anyhow?
5. The next few weeks, I need to practice bricking. Yep. That sucked.
6. I must try again to induce acid reflux to determine if eating Tums will help me or not. If not, I must see a doctor and get that fixed asap!
7. If Brian says "this is the last hill", always question his memory of "the last hill".
8. While on the bike, right before the run, I should try and eat a banana (if there are some).
9. The lake water will not swallow me whole. The lake will not eat me. The lake is my friend. It's okay to close your eyes if you get scared swimming in the lake. There are no lake monsters.

Things to focus on in the next month:
- Bricking
- Getting my acid reflux under control
- Open water swimming
- A bit more running

Saturday we did the bike first, then the run. By the end of it, I decided I was too pooped for swimming, and saved that jem for Sunday (glad I did). I finished the bike course in 1h:43m and the run in 1h:13m. I was really disappointed with how the run went, but thankful it was only practice! I had the legs, I didn't have the lungs and other issues popped up. I have "exercise induced acid reflux", which is often tied to asthma. I don't have serious asthma, maybe just a wee little bit when the activity lasts for longer than 2 hours. This same thing happened to me when we climbed half dome (I thought it was something I ate), and minor times during my training - but nothing as bad as I experienced on Saturday. That sucked! My chest gets tight, constricted, and my esophagus hurts from the acid coming up (gurgles stomach juice while trying to breathe!)

I also freaked out during our swim. I'd never swam in open water /lake water, let alone ocean before (once before got towed under in the ocean). Our first time out we had to jump in off a dock. That didn't work out so well.. it was a moment of too many firsts without the baby steps. Anyhow... after digging in me to determine what "mental" block I had, Brian took me back out somewhere different so I could be in more control. By the end of our time out, I was doing the breast stroke! Whew! Crisis adverted!

So in all, really happy about the outcome of my practice weekend. I learned a ton that will help make my race day even more successful and fun!

Posting today.. will be without internet this weekend! Shock!

Sunday: swam 1100 meters, 36 minutes!

Monday: felt really sluggish.. mostly because I mis-timed my afternoon snack & when I actually hit the gym. I should have done a little math and ate some goo before I started. I got through 2 core rotations then gave up.

Tuesday: 8am spin class .. wow, my legs were burning all day!

Wednesday: rest day

Thursday: 8am spin class.. she's working it out of us, that was hard too!

Friday: Happy B-day to me.. my present is to be lazy! Okay, not really... we're busy packing up all our camp and tri gear so we can head out to Lake San Antonio later today for a weekend filled of fun in the sun! I decided I'd bring my bday party with me and make it a super fun weekend for everyone! It's practice tri weekend, and I'm pretty excited to see how far I've come and what I need to work on for the next 4 weeks. I'll post how I did when I get back.

Another great week! Toe is all better and my left arch doesn't kill me anymore! I've got one more week before our practice weekend and am feeling pretty good about it now! Here's what I managed to accomplish this week:

Sunday: Was in the pool for 30 minutes. It was an amazing day out (easter sunday) and the pool was crowded with non-lap swimmers. I was really annoyed at first, but then realized that it gave me practice of having to spot and swim around slow people. Riiight. I managed 800 meters before they just got to me.

Monday: rest day

Tuesday: 8am spin class. Instructor was walking around during class instead of spinning with us - my legs were jello afterwards! (edit) I swam in the afternoon for 1100 meters as well. (thanks nicole!)

Wednesday: 8am flex class. My first time - probably won't do it again, it's really good, but damn.. I hurt so bad afterwards! Low weight, high repetition..feel the burn!

Thursday: 8am spin class - I was amazed I survived after the flex class, but I worked it out.

Friday: play day! wedding dress shopping is a sport.. no?

Saturday: rest day hmm.. I rested a lot this week, but yet I really worked hard! I'll hit it hard tomorrow through Wednesday, go easy in spin on Thursday so I'm fresh for Saturday's trial run at Lake San Antonio.