The psychoanalysis and other assorted tales of my life

I had dream #5 a few days ago..

I showed up to where my bridesmaids were getting ready and I realized I was completely naked and was going to make everyone late. To top it off - my dress wasn't there.

We're exactly one month away from the beginning of the festivities, and my brain has been on super overdrive lately. I've taken to reading some fiction before I go to bed to help calm the brainwaves down a bit and to focus on something other than the wedding.

As I was going to bed last night, Sparky asked me what I was reading. I explained the whole think to him (and instantly regretted it), and he immediately piped up about the wedding and asked me about our officiant and that we need to think through our ceremony.

ARRRGH! Yes, yes I know - but WHY NOW?! I read 5 more pages then I turn off the light.

I had what felt like another dream within a dream sequence. Now that I've got my real dress hanging in the closet, the dreams have progressed to the actual day of & ceremony (this is probably thanks to Sparky). The dress I'm wearing still isn't quite right but at this point, I seem to be stressing more about the details of the party. Instead of "assorted cakes", there was a real wedding cake. I didn't print out the menus, and our ceremony consisted of "Yep, I do.. kiss.. clap.. drink." No rings, no nothing. Just.. I do. The second ceremony went better than the first, but neither where what I had planned.

I woke up emotionally exhausted. How many times am I going to get married before I actually get married?

Remarkably, it's been a long time since I had a dream about the wedding. But why are these dreams always about the dress?!

I had a rare 'dream within a dream' sequence this morning. Everyone was arriving, and my sister finally showed up with the dress. It was blue with dots, and there was lots of pink ribbons and detailing on it. WTF? I freaked out and said it had a bit more pink on it for my taste, and realized that I must have been dreaming this up as my sister would never do this to me.

Fast forward to what seemed like reality, my sister arrived with my dress except this time it was orange and forest green. This is when I began my major tirade "How could you do this to me - no where in the wedding is there orange and green!!" to which she replied "yes there is - our bridesmaid dresses are green" (truth). I continued to lash out, told her to not show up at the wedding and that I hated her.

This was in my inbox this morning...

Hi Everyone,

I will be working from work today!  Feel free to call me at my desk at any time.

Wow. Really?!

Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I just don't understand!!!!

I'm tempted to call this person at their desk just to say hello.

Sitting at my desk.... waiting. Is it over yet? Am I safe? 2 co-workers got papers... will I?

I sure did pick a great week to take a vacation! I missed caring about the stock market plunges, in fact - I refused to listen to updates, but sadly am all caught up now.

Our vacation with the lovely Teasdale's has been nothing short of  f a b u l o u  s ...  amazing food, awesome adventures, great photography, and even some snow!

No matter how this week went down - what will remain in my memory is that this was the week I learned that I'll become an Auntie in 9 short months! yippieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

In related health news.....

I don't really want to go back to commit to memory the various sounds an MRI machine makes while testing -- but the one song that I made up while lying in the tube goes like.. mississippi-sippi... mississippi-sippi... and in the background there is an oompah oompah click click beat.

There was one particular test when I had to try really hard and restrain myself from laughing out loud as the beat was just too much!  It was super funkadelic!

It would be an awesome project for a musically-inclined person to write music to the beats of an MRI machine - perhaps listening to that wouldn't be as terrifying as the real thing.
 

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you’ve read or heard something and it completely changed how you think about yourself or the world?

Of all the noise I’ve been reading over the past few months - there have been only a few signals which seared themselves into my brain.

One.

I was invited to a “feeding” (a happy hour) at FriendFeed, and was finally able to attend as previous invites conflicted with my triathlon training schedule. I decided to do a bit of research on some of the obvious people who would be there, namely all the employees! So I searched on a few individuals, and found Paul Buchheit’s blog who happens to be one of their founders. I began reading some of his posts and thought, wow.. way insightful, very technical, and a very smart individual. But it was his December 9th, 2007 blog post entitled “Is there more to life than money?” that has been stuck on replay in my head.

    “Instead of throwing away your "working hours", why not make every minute count?
    Why not find work that you can actually enjoy, work that's fun and meaningful?

    Of course that's easier said than done, but it's not impossible.”

Tears started streaming down my face and I cried silently while I read this (was at work at the time), as I have been trying to find just that - for so many years! YEARS! I have spent many hours, dollars, and conversations with kind strangers figuring out what I think will make me happy from a career perspective -- and since then many hours trying to find a way to do it. Hell, I don’t even know if what I think will make me happy will actually bring me happiness - but I just can’t give up on it until I know for sure. What I do know is that I’ve been unhappy in my job for quite some time.

Reading the rest of his blog I realized that Paul has found something that isn’t “work” for him - and I just sat there wondering how I could do the same. By tomorrow.

Two.

In social settings where I don’t know a lot of the people, I tend to gravitate towards individuals who have children as I like kids, I know that most parents enjoy talking about their kids, kids aren’t that technical, and though having none of my own, I feel like I know enough about kids to talk about them for a long time (and enjoy it!). So at the “feeding”, I talked to Paul’s wife, April for a bit.

When a FF post that linked to April’s blog about her baby going home from the hospital, I was excited to see photos and read more about it! I hadn’t encountered April’s blog before - so I spent some time reading through older posts. It’s mostly a photo / video blog about April’s adorable little girl, Camilla. It was when I got to her “mommy and me” slide show did I lose it at my desk (luckily, I was working from home that day!). Tears again started streaming down my face. You might say “the force is strong within me” to have children.

After reading the entire blog, I was just in awe - of Paul & April as a couple, and of Camilla and Thomas, who went through so much to start their lives in our big world. I have fears that I won’t be great enough - that my life won’t look like what I saw on the screen - but I do aspire to be a great mom like April, and seeing her photos and videos inspire me.

Three.

I had started watching “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch awhile ago - but for whatever reason I never got beyond the first 10 minutes. It wasn’t until this past Friday did the stars align for me to watch the entire lecture. Randy, 47, passed on this past Friday from complications due to pancreatic cancer. I found myself home early that day, so I decided to watch “The Last Lecture” again. I finished the video this morning, and it left me wanting to know more about him.

I learned from a friend that he had a blog, so I went to go find it. The blog detailed his medical journey to the end - but along the way were additional photos and videos not found in the lecture. It wasn’t until I got to his Carnegie Mellon 2008 graduation charge video did I lose it - it was the moment when he picked up his wife and carried her “off stage” that made the tears stream down my face (hooray for being home alone! Nothing like explaining to your significant other why you’re bawling your eyes out while watching YouTube.).

Pondering Randy’s lecture, I kept thinking about my childhood dreams, and it took me awhile to recognize what those were/are. On the surface, it feels like I was a simple minded child - but really, all I wanted was a family of my own - a loving husband, a few kids, a dog, and a successful career.

I realized that these aren’t my childhood dreams anymore - but instead are my adulthood dreams. There are many days, especially in the past few weeks where I’ve felt that achieving my dreams is next to near impossible.

    “Brick walls let us show our dedication. They are there for the people who really don’t want to achieve their childhood dreams”.

That quote is one of the lessons I took from Randy’s lecture to heart. And on those days when I feel I can’t possibly hit that brick wall again, I have to remember to keep going because life is short and unpredictable. I don’t want to “spend my life beating the grim reaper” - I want to spend it “living well”.

I realize now that a lot of my tears come from spending so much time hitting those brick walls and temporarily giving up on my dreams. Low on energy, lost on knowing how to scale the wall differently, I often find myself depressed that I’ll ever crash through.

After thinking about Paul, April, and Randy, I see that it’s not impossible - there are real people who’ve done what I dream of doing - and while I often feel I can’t make things happen fast enough, I realize the brick wall is there for a reason.

I do recognize that part of my dreams have come true - though not yet officially married, I’ve found the man who I’ll call my husband soon, and he’s shown me that he won’t let me give up on my dreams - and wants them for me too (well, maybe not the dog).


*****

It's been 6 un-official years of working at the big Y today. (They don't count the 8 months I worked as a contractor, but they count to me!)

I started thinking about how I've spent the past 6 years -- after putting it all down, I feel a little exhausted! Is this normal??

Bosses ............. 11
Cubicles ........... 11
Jobs ................ 5
Departments ..... 1
Y! Products ...... 27
Re-orgs ........... Lost count 3 years ago

Edit (Sept, 08) -- make that 12 bosses, and 12 cubicles. Got kicked out of my last cubicle so my new boss could sit there.